The Weight You Cannot See
For the last three weeks, I have been spending my time in Israel, and it has truly been phenomenal. I celebrated Rosh Hashanah here, and now we are preparing for Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and a beautiful family event coming up. My nephew’s bar mitzvah and my nephew upsherim, (חלאקה) , when we will cut his hair for the first time as he turns three.
Right now, I am at Yam HaMelach, and I feel so blessed that I get to share this experience with my parents and my children. These are the moments that become lifelong memories. The traveling, the laughter, the food, and simply being together in Israel.
I recently came across a quote that said, “There is something so special about leaving one home and arriving at another, leaving one language to begin speaking another, and leaving one group of friends to see another.” This quote hit my heart because it resonates who I am. I leave one part of my family to spend time with another. It is such a beautiful feeling to live in two different worlds, surrounded by two different families, and to know that both worlds belong to me.
Every time I return to Israel, I notice how much has changed. People have grown, places have changed, and life has continued to evolve. But apparently, I have changed too. Everywhere I go, I hear the same thing. “What happened to you?” “You lost so much weight!”
My answer is usually, “Well, you don’t feed me,” and I laugh and so does everyone else around me.
Some people say it with love and some people say it because they are genuinely surprised. And sometimes you can feel that the words are not necessarily coming from the kindest place.
As I continue my journey of becoming more humble, growing in my religion, and getting closer to Hashem, I am learning that I do not need to respond to everything.
When I was heavier, people always had something to say. I was too big. I needed to lose weight, eat less, eat healthier, and work out more. Now that I have done exactly that and finally feel beautiful and confident in my own skin, suddenly I am too skinny for those same people. Now I am in an era where I feel beautiful in my own skin and confident in the clothing I wear, but suddenly I am too skinny for other people. Some ask whether I am using medication. Some ask if I am anorexic or making myself throw up. Some want to know how often I go to the gym. Others say nothing at all and that is okay too.
But people often assume the easiest answer.
They assume, but they do not stop to think about the weight I carry that cannot be seen.
Nobody sees the days I struggle by myself with my children. Nobody saw me crying when my house flooded right after my new re-modeled house and I did not know what I was going to do. Nobody saw the countless hours I spent searching for buildings for my business, discussing contracts, getting excited, becoming disappointed, and then finding the strength to walk away when something did not feel right. People do not see me worrying about bills. They do not see the pressure of being a single mother while trying to create a better future for my children and myself . They do not hear all the thoughts and anxiety constantly running through my head. But I'll tell you who does hear me every night. Hashem my creator.
Nobody sees those parts because I move in silence. All they see is a beautiful woman standing in front of them. Dressed nicely, smiling, and looking put together. They see the weight I have lost, but they do not see the weight I carry.
And honestly, I am okay with that.
Not everyone needs to see every struggle hiding behind my smile. But it has taught me something important, we never really know what another person is carrying. What looks effortless from the outside may have taken every bit of strength.
Yes, this is the smallest I have ever been. But this did not happen overnight, and it certainly did not happen because of luck. My journey began in 2019, when I got divorced. From there, I started changing my life little by little. Fitness became part of my life. Eating healthier became my lifestyle. I made the choice to become healthier and stronger for myself and for my children.This has been a seven-year journey, not a seven-day journey.
So when someone says, “You are so lucky,” I smile because I know there was nothing lucky about it. It took consistency, discipline, pain, healing, stress, and growth. There were good days and bad days, but I kept going.
Now that I have reached my goal, I am allowing myself to enjoy it. I am eating foods I do not get to have back home, spending time with my family, traveling, celebrating, and making memories. When I return home, I will return to my workouts and my regular routine. That is life. It is about balance.
This journey has taught me not to take every comment or insult to heart. People will talk when you are big, and they will talk when you are small. They will talk when you are struggling, and they will talk when you are thriving.
Sometimes Hashem may simply be watching to see how we respond.You do not have to hurt someone because they hurt you. You do not have to explain yourself to everyone who questions you. You do not always need to have the final word simply because you can. Sometimes the strongest response is silence. So I smile, continue moving forward, and let people see the woman standing in front of them. I do not need to explain every battle that brought me here. I know my journey, and so does Hashem, because He is the One writing it and its not finished.
Emunah